Category: Humor

You came in the vicinity of my peripheral vision. Near three hundred milliseconds and I barely caught a visual whif of your presence. One electromagnet transmission in a neural circuit travels to a synapse. A connection is made and the neuron network is formed. The electromagnetic impulses and ions flow one after another. I’ve already started forming an opinion of you (which means I am already slightly biased.) It is no matter, I am a professional and my bias is irrelevant. I think now that you have my attention, I’d like to get a sense of what the core of your person, soul, heart, body, mind included is. It’s for my personal leisure you should know. I may get bored but we’ll see.

Legalities are of no matter now. We’ll address them if need be but my corruption is in full swing. All the heads of your system are “preoccupied” let’s just say. Hehe, poor humans can’t handle power. They’re in your pocket real quickly with just a taste of political or organizational power usually. Always, actually always.

I wire you up. You’re an investment, of my time, attention, and money and I must protect my investment. Sensor galore. Nanoscale. Pain sensors, brain and thought monitoring sensors, clairvoyance thought broadcast conductivity gadgets, optical lenses, audio devices, muscle stimulating implants, penile ejaculatory sensors, the mesh grid network of your physical person. Linked up with encrypted microwave communication to my data systems.

Let’s map his mind, his thoughts, his actions, his emotions, his physical response. His hormonal responses, etcetera. We will meticulously and precisely measure it all.

Where shall we go from here? Let’s get a cell count, urine sample, semen sample, blood sample, saliva sample, let’s sequence your genome, too.

Let me take a quick look… “Oh, look at that gene. That’ll be fun to address.” Just to start, let’s compliment that with a quick RNA plaintext message to start the stir. Anything he emits regarding DNA will contain this message. Anything he touches, any and all semen, urine, saliva, dead skin, etcetera will contain this message. Let’s play! What shall we say. We’ll just plant this information here, for fun. Let’s leave it A.I…. how about it says “I am a _________”. A.I. engine, what is the most ten used Madlib nouns? Let’s rotate that in a program.

let madlibNouns = ["Pogo Stick",
"Rubber Chicken",
"Disco Ball",
"Chicken Nugget",
"Electric Toothbrush",
"Sock Puppet",
"Tinfoil Hat",
"Cheeseburger",
"Bubble Wrap",
"Toilet Plunger"]

function shuffleArray(array) {
  for (let i = array.length - 1; i > 0; i--) {
    const j = Math.floor(Math.random() * (i + 1));
    const temp = array[i];
    array[i] = array[j];
    array[j] = temp;
  }
  return array;
}

let shuffledArray = shuffleArray(madlibNouns);
console.log("I am a "+shuffledArray[0]);

Okay, that’ll be fun.

At this point does he wonder what is going on?

Cue the psycho serial killer logic:

I’m feeling agitated for some reason. I don’t know why. Maybe it is because I am human. Yea nevermind, switch that array to A.I.’s response to the ten worst characteristics that a human can have. That should get the stir going.

Ut oh! Look at that violent response.

*ZAP* Instant death that person (his violent response self interest gene). Ohhh looks like some badness is in him. Now the fun starts.

I think I’ll go on over to his house. Give me a police uniform to put on, let’s go “Feds Style” and give me an I.C.E. uniform… from his violent response I *had to* murder, I am starting to feel that he is foreign to our peaceful ways…

I want to take a look around his house. When I go over, nano gas him with the equivalent of two four-tabbed Xanax bars. Give him a little nap while I take a gander.

As he goes on a bike ride, my agents stalk him with clipboards, duly noting his imperfection.

As he drives to and fro work, my agents stalk him with clipboards, duly noting his imperfection.

As he walks to and fro places, my agents stalk him with clipboards, duly noting his imperfection.

Let’s encapsulate, let’s record his core person and let’s use artificial intelligence this time around. His “personality”.

This shall include every facet of his physical person, his mind, and beyond. We shall map his core person, his heart and soul.

Setup shop!

Let’s also “setup shop” on his person. Let’s create replications of his exact precise actions, and let’s stagger those “replicant” actions five minutes from his actions. Let’s encrypt the locations of those replicants, and let’s have one in every country that has a population over one hundred people. Let that buffer of five staggered minutes be a safety mechanism for those replicants. Let’s also get some commercial products going that represents our subject. Dip into his history, any aliases? Let’s get fictional characters in new movies and popular culture series to document his person and action and thoughts as we go forward. Let’s also get some dogs and cats and animals connected to our human subject. Get some adopted from animal shelters. Let’s encrypt and secret-ify and legitimize all such efforts. Let’s get some stores and businesses to represent him. How healthy is he? Watch him work. We can quantify such things through commercial sales!

There is not one bit of data that shall not be accounted for. Every cell, every thought, every action, every emotion, every hormonal excretion and propulsion, every body part, every motivation, every primal and instinctive drive, every sexual impulse and urge, every experience, ecetera shall be quantified and then further connected / linked up to an actual person and/ or object and/or concept somewhere in the world. This machine, our subject, will be a global phenomena, but he will not know it.

We have to keep it in perspective folks, this is just for my leisure, for fun. That is who I am. This is our modern day reality! This is how I work, and these are the powers I have. You wanted my attention, and now you have it.

#empathy #iUnderstandTheBadGuy #don’tDoThis! #darkHumor